Who am I? Who are we...really?
Almost 2 years ago something happened to me that instantly made me realize that the person that I thought I was, just doesn't exisit any longer. Well, that person exisits, just in a different way then before. I just became awake or conscious of the duality of my existence. I was the same, but different in the sense of not defining my self by what I do.
Where do we get the idea that what we do is what defines us?
I think for me it came at an early age and from having been told for most of my life how to be and act, to feel as though I belonged and felt loved. I believed on some level I had to be a certain way to be accepted and loved. I was not consciously aware I was doing this, but I understand now, that you don't really know, until you know.
So who am I? Am I am the Italian girl down the street with the "beautiful curly hair"? Am I the outdoors chick, or the the girl that rides her bike to and from work? Am I the good girl that follows all the rules of my culture and society? Am I the martial artist? Am I the yoga instructor? Am I the aquacise and fitness instructor? The lifeguard and swimming instructor? Am I the reiki practioner? Am I the meditator? Am I the childless 38 year old woman? I could go on, but the answer will remain the same...Nah!
All these things are just the things we do, the things of "the duality" we live in, the game of life we all learn to play to the best of our ability. But thankfully I came to the self realization that they do not define us or our existence. At least not the true essence of 'us' underneath what lies beneath all our dense layers of the egoic self. We become these labels because 'things' happen to us that push us away from our true innate being, our true light, our truest essence.
Society, family, friends, and everyone else in between aids us in learning to be, unloved, not good enough, not worthy or or or, whatever else we can add to this list. We grow to believe that we are not more than our physical being. So what do we do instead, we put on the masks of duality and become who others tell us to be and become the puppets of human existence.
But we are so much more than that! These things don't make us somebody. They may feel great for a time, but does it truly give you the feeling of complete knowing, complete giving and complete being. These things are here to give us pleasure in this existance, but they should not become our existance or define us, nor should we become attached to them.
We are so much more than all of that. They don't give us worth, or status or a sense of belonging or completeness and wholeness, at least that has been my experience.
So where does the wholeness of being come from. What are we and what are we here to do?
I can only tell you through my perception, my lense, so take it for what you will. It is my truth, it doesn't have to be yours. You decide what resonates with you, if any of it at all. I don't claim to have the answers, I, like you, am a spirit a soul, in physical form trying to remember who I truly am. Is it truth? Maybe, maybe not? You decide.
Two years ago, something happened to me that completely changed my life as I knew it. It was such a shake up from the inside, that it had (and has) changed and altered my life as I knew it. The only labels I can place on it so that I can express it into words for you are an awakening or kundalini rising or a higher consciousness and self actulaization realization. But the intense feelings that came with this experience I cannot put into words, as there simply are none.
I didn't expect the changes that occured in the months that were to follow this experience. Lets just say it was an awakening from the core of my being, the cry of the soul to remember who I truly am, and what I came here to do in this life time. It was a constant force that pushed and pulled me so far into myself that I lost all existance, time and space within the reality that I had come to know. I lost my identity, or what I thought was my identity. I couldn't relate to anyone or anything. I didn't know how I felt about anyone or anything.
All of this was happening internally and couldn't explain it to anyone, I kept it with me and had no words to express what I was feeling. I was confused. How could I possibly try to explain this to someone else? It took a toll on my relationship because I was not able to express the changes that were happening. Everything was just happening. Pandora's box was opened and there was no way to go back. The veil was lifted and I had felt such an expansiveness in my entire being that was so beyond anything I could put into words.
I tried to maintain the perception that I had it all together. During the inital phase of this I felt like I did. I felt such a connection to everything and everyone, complete divine bliss...only to crash to not knowing or understanding anything and feeling nothing.
When I was out of my home I tried to put on the facade at work and whereever else I was, but it was just a facade, and it was exhausting. Spirit was not allowing me to pretend anymore. I couldn't pretend anymore. Everything was just getting so tight, but I couldn't go back to the old way of being as I had seen so much that I just couldn't. I would try, but I literally couldn't! I had pretended for my entire life, and didn't know it, and now I was still pretending and knew it, and didn't want to. But, I continued to feel nothing but a void of the life I had, had. I didn't miss that life, I just didn't know how to be in this new one.
My higher self was just saying no more, we are done with this old way of being and saw my entire life and all the vices I had developed, I seemed to have a complete knowing seeing myself from the inside out and the outside in. I wish I could explain this better, but I simply cannot, as I said earlier, there no words. The "I" that I had been no longer existed. All the masks came off, and I sank deeper within myself. This experience had left me a little shell shoked to say the least.
I am coming into more of the truer self, and clearer understanding of it all. I have learned all the answers are within us, with time and patience and being with yourself you create space, you empty out so you can be filled with a more loving and complete knowing, the knowing of Spirit, the knowing of YOU!
I learned that I needed to trust my soul even though nothing was making sense. I just seemed to have a knowing that everything would be ok, even through all the fear, panic and lack of joy. I was in the desert the void and alone in it. Little did I realize I was looking for me, the truth of who I really am. I was in it, in my life for the first time. I was scared and alone, and didn't know who to be, how to be and who to talk to and certainly didn't know what was going to become of all of this. I had nothing left I was empty and didn't know which direction to go.
Up until that point I had lived my life for everyone else, and I wanted more. There had to be more. When I say more, I don't mean more in the sense of "stuff". I wanted purpose & meaning there was a drive to know why I was here, and the one answer that kept coming up is... LOVE. That is all that seemed to really exisist. It became apparent to me that this was our true, pure and our innate way of being. At the end of the day, this is our divine and truest nature.... to give and receive love.
I couldn't understnad why we as a race didn't "get it". Why are we then at war? Why do we put others down to bring ourselves up. Why do we only choose to love someone but not another. Why is it easier to love those that are easy to love, and dispise those that are hardest to love and probably need it the most.
You would think that if it's our innate way of being it should be easy, right? Well in theory yes, in practice not so much. In fact it can be the hardest thing for anyone of us to feel or be, especially for ourselves. I have learned that if you can't love yourself, how can you truly love another completely, fully and whole heartedly.
Why do we do this.? Why can we not see the wholeness in ourselves. I am sure we can all list off many reasons for this and blame whom ever. But truly, it is no one's fault. There is no one to blame, everything happens the way it should for our learning and growth. To simply blame another is a cop out. We need to take responsibility for ourselves and go back to the basics of remembering who we truly are. To blame another is to simply blame yourself.
So what do we need to do then?
It's simple. Forgive yourself firstly, and forgive others. That's it! In that love and compassion will shine!
It can be easy... if you understand that what you do to another you are only doing to yourself. So forgive yourself first, just be and feel forgiveness, FEEL IT, for everything that you have done and felt about yourself. Go easy on the negative self talk, and endless mind chatter or unworthiness. It simply is not true! We are hardest on ourselves so how can we give anything real and pure to another. Be forgiveness, no, it's not always easy with the years of conditioning we have had. But just say thank you and have gratitiude for the many lessons that have brought you to the place you are, it can be very freeing and it is possible. Just try it. It will open your heart and free your mind to new possibilities and purpose.
Just say thank you for the lesson, forgive yourself and forgive others. Be patient, everyone is doing the best they can with the level they are at. Who are you think they should be different. Maybe they just need to be where they are.....and so are you!
It has been easier for me to live from a place of compassion and kindness. I try to do one good deed per day, it doesn't have to be anything crazy big. It can be as simple as a smile or a hug, or a donation or just a simple act of kindness. We act from kindness to give to the greater good. What we do to another we get back to ourselves 10 fold "good or bad". But when it's done from a pure place, think of all the beautiful things that can come from that. When you do an act of kindness it should be because you want to, not because you expect something back in return. Then we just keep paying it forward and it helps the global consciousness rise to a higher vibration of kindness and compassion and LOVE. Before you know it we can have heaven on earth. So why wouldn't we be wonderful to others? All that our higher selves ask of us is to try it and see where it takes you.
Stop being what everyone else wants you to be. That is living in fear. BE YOU! Be the change, be what you truly are. Be the beautiful soul and complete soul that you were before incarnation. We forget the freedom of being who we truly are. We forget the complete beingness, truth, peace and love that we ALL are, and have been since the beginning of time. Remember who you truly are, and give that gift to the world.
Stop the cycle of not being whole and complete. Chose now to change the course of your life...it's ok not to know everything. It's a false belief that we have control and know everything anyways. Believe that you are whole and complete, call back the pieces of yourself, that have been scattered. Chose to not get caught up in the "must haves" live a more simple life.
The uncomfortableness of change will clear in time, depending on how much energy you give to the fear of change. Don't let it keep you stuck in the same cycles. These last 2 years for me have been a trying and difficult time...but one that has been a blessing at the same time. It has moved me and molded me into something closer to my true being, and for that I am gratfeul. But I am nowhere close to being finished!
I truly give gratitude for the gifts of this learning, it has reminded me that we have the ability to imagine the impossible, for it is possible. You can create your life through the power of intention, every thought, word, feeling anywhere you place your energy will eventually create that reality.Be mindful of all your thoughts and words and actions, for they will eventually create your reality. So be mindful of everything you think and feel, for it not only affects your own life, but the entire global consciousness. We all effect each other. We are interconnected, we are NOT separate. We are all part of the bigger whole. If you live your life through the heart centered place, you will live your purpose and calling, which then serves the greater good.
I have learned that there is no wrong or right decisions, they just are. I have learned that it is easier to flow with life, then it is to fight againt the current. I have learned that every moment happens for you to learn something and to grow. In the darkest places there is always light. Light and dark are all the same, they are a part of you.
I have learned that you cannot change other people, they need to want change. You cannot control or change the behaviours of others. The way others behave is their karama, but how you respond is yours. In that I have learned that everything changes, nothing stays the same. And if you don't get what you want or don't get what you want in a timely fashion, it's because it was not for your highest good, but something else WILL ALWAYS be there, that was way bigger and better then you could have ever imagined.
I have learned not to judge another, for they are exactly in the place they need to be in this time and space. Who am I to judge anyone, or believe or feel that anyone needs to change, it is their life and their path and their journey, how could I possibly know better. I don't know what is "better" or "right" for another they are exactly where they need to be, as am I. Patience and understanding is needed for not everyone has the same learning and experiences as you. In saying that, you are not always right ;) and you always have something to learn from someone else, even those you think that may not be as wise or evolved as you. I have learned about attachment and non attachment. I have learned about love and about loss on so many levels. I have learned how strong I truly am, and feel that strength.
I have learned to... JUST BE.
There is so much more I have learned and I will contune to understand and learn. I believe this is an ongoing process with no end, and continual growth.This is my life and I am living it the best way I know how. I am trying to be a love and light based being, striving for peace for the greater good of all.
But like you, I am human and don't always get it. But, I do try to be consciously aware as much as I can, but I am not perfect, I do try to right my wrongs.
I have also learned that you need to forgive yourself as much as possible. The only way you can truly give to others is to give to yourself. Give yourself love, compassion, and forgiveness, this is so very important. If you can give this to yourself whole heartedly you can then give it to others. You get back what you give 10 fold, and you effect the entire global consciousness.
A channeller once told me that this is my 86 life time as a human and that this is my last time here on earth, as I am tired of the sameness and that we as a race don't seem to get it. Could this be true? Maybe or maybe not? On one level, it seems to resonate. But either way it doesn't matter. I do know that one day I will cease to exisit on this physical earth plane, as the physical Maria you know today. I am ok with that because I am more than my physically body, and understand the complete being that I am within this physical shell, and that I seem to have a knowing that it will always exist on some level somewhere.
I can see the bigger picture. The "I AM" essence of me has and always will continue to exisit as pure knowing and pure love. The rest as they say is the icing on the cake. So be here be in the now, the past and the future does not exisit. All we have is this moment, here and now. Completely perfect. What are you going to do with it? I want to live this life to my highest potential and to do something for all of us.
I challenge you to ask yourself the question, who am I and what is my purpose? As you ask yourself that remember this.....
You are a beautiful, good, kind, awakened, soulful person, a true human being. Living in a world that can be filled with so much darkness. But remember we shine, we shine like gold, so bright that can be seen from a far distance. Lets give and show our deepest divine self to the world. There is nothing more rare, more strange, more needed, so why would you wait?
Remember you made promises to yourself before you ever came into this physical form. The time to fulfill these promises is now. You want to cease feeling helpless, and you want to help the aching world, you want purpose? Serve something! Serve someone! We are all here to serve on some level. This means bringing your truest self now, fulfilling the promises you made to the higher collective consciousness long ago.
Anything you do from the soulful self will help lighten the burdens of the world. Anything! You have no idea what the smallest word, the tiniest generosity can cause to be set in motion. Be outrageous in forgiving. Be dramatic in reconciling. Mistakes? Back up and make them right as you can, then move on. Be off the charts in kindness. In whatever you are called to, strive to be devoted in all aspects large and small. Fall short? Try again. Mastery is made in increments, not leaps. Be brave, be fierce, be visonary. Mend the parts of the world that are within your reach. Strive to live this way is the most dramatic gift you can ever give to the world.
Remember we are spirit in physical form, and remember no matter what, you are perfect and exactly where you need to be, always. Regardless how painful or how joyful situations can be, remember nothing lasts forever, except the perfect soul that exisits within you. Remember in every moment you are perfect and exactly where you need to be.
In closing I just wanted to leave you with the best thing I have come to realize and feel to the core of my being, and has brought me such peace. In every moment you are forever and endlessly held, and supported by a greater force(s), and never alone. We are all pure love and a part of that force, so don't be afraid to shine, it is your birth right.
Sending you, peace, light and love always,
Maria